Despair
by S. Rune
Summary: When Ichigo lost his powers he felt like he had lost everything. As he struggles to cope with everything that happened and not to loose everything. Post chapter 423. No pairing.


**Disclaimer: **_Not mine._

_**Title: **Despair._

**Summary: **_When Ichigo lost his powers he felt like he had lost everything. As he struggles to cope with everything that happened and not to loose everything. Post chapter 423._

**A/N:**_ AU, Spoilers for Chapter 423, contains: characters death and rated M for suicide themes. __  
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* * *

"_**I know my hair is a mess though." **_Ichigo couldn't even finish the last word as he fell over, only to start screaming in pain as he felt his inner world collapsing over itself and Tensa along with his Hollow ripped from him.

The screaming lasted for a minute before Ichigo fell unconscious, unable to bear the pain.

When he woke up and saw all of his friends staring at him, he could see Rukia's lips moving but he couldn't hear a thing. Then it hit him, his power is gone, he tried to put up a mask that yes he was fine and listened as his friends told him how his hair grew shorter on its own and how he has been unconscious for the last month.

It hurt that he had to concentrate really hard in order to hear what Rukia was saying. It hurt even worse when she disappeared right in front of his eyes. He wanted to break right now and then but he knew she is still there watching him.

At night in the safety of his room Ichigo let the tight reins he had on his feelings go. He sobbed into his pillow trying to muffle the sound of his sobs, and if any Kurosaki heard him sob, they did not mention anything the next day, even with his red eyes.

Over the next month Ichigo still cried at night, his friends walked on eggshells around him, in all their conversation the evaded any words that could bring them back to what happened, words like Shinigami, Rukia, Soul Society, Urahara and ghosts to mention a few. However, every once in a while someone would slip and all of them would turn to look at Ichigo as if expecting him to crumble in front of them – not that he didn't, he did so at night in the privacy of his rooms.

Ichigo tried to make himself busy, he took football classes again, watched TV till his eyes hurt, started to go running every evening so that at the end of the day he is exhausted to the point where he falls asleep without even changing to his pyjamas.

However that didn't work. He kicks the ball feeling empty, he runs feeling incomplete. He washes his teeth and stares at his eyes wishing he would catch a glimpse of another's eyes.

* * *

A sixteen year old student is sitting obediently in class taking his notes when suddenly another student excuses himself to go to the nurse. Ichigo turns his face to the other direction as not to watch Ishida taking his leave.

With every time Ishida excuses himself, Ichigo feels cracks appearing inside. He feels tendrils of emotions slipping in. He felt relieved that maybe he was returning to his normal self and his family won't worry anymore. Alas, as the days passed and Ishida was often absent from class Ichigo began to feel anger.

Anger directed at himself for not being stronger, anger at Soul Society for not being stronger and defending themselves better, anger at how much he feels incomplete.

* * *

Ichigo tries to do a good thing every now and then; he tries to visit the places he knows to be haunted to leave a flower for the dead. After a while it hurts even to do that, it hurts to go to a place where he instinctively knows there is someone there but see nothing, nothing but humans.

At night he wishes he could get have kept a tendril of his power, that he could still assure a small child that everything is okay.

These are the moments where Ichigo can feel the cracks increasing and the feeling that seep through wraps him in a despair he welcomes.

* * *

Six months has passed, and in a dream comes a short woman telling him of Soul Society and souls. Each day Ichigo wakes up feeling frustrated, he know that the answer lies in his dreams.

His friends now are more of acquaintances than anything; with the glue that kept them together gone they cannot keep hold of each other. And that is okay, Ichigo doesn't want to feel their worried glances anymore. Karin's glances are more than enough.

* * *

A month of repeated dream, each one leaving him with just a bit more until finally Ichigo remembers what the blurry woman said ages ago (or so he feels), she told him of Heaven, Earth and Hell. She spoke of good souls and how they go back to Heaven and bad souls are left to Hell's Will.

And thus a seed is planted.

At first Ichigo is relieved that he had found the mystery behind the dream. Then he subconsciously starts to revaluate himself to see if he is one of the _good souls_.

He dismisses the idea, appalled that he would do such a thing. How could he leave Yuzu and Karin like that?

* * *

He finds himself eyeing every sharp object he cross path with, silently estimating how long would it take to... NO he won't do that.

The emptiness is still there, it never went away to be honest. Yet, Ichigo forces himself to have a fuller schedule, full enough that he sits at the table and eats whatever Karin or Yuzu hands to him without complaining. The only good thing out of this is that he can deceive them all by now. The happy yet tired façade is enough to keep everyone happy that he had moved on.

* * *

The thought is just so tempting, hasn't he done enough? Didn't he suffer enough? He can even finish it all without going out of his room. Ichigo dry heaves in the bathroom as the idea is slowly transformed to a plan he likes and Ichigo couldn't be more repulsed of himself.

He stayed strong till July the 11th, 10 months have passed with Ichigo still holding strong. Lot for long though.

Two months later Yuzu comes home frightened out of her own skin, speaking of monsters that almost got her and crying into Ichigo's shoulder, mumbling about how scared she was that she was going to die and if Ishida hadn't been there then... Ichigo's mind disconnects, he cannot protect anyone like this, what if a Gillian came again and Ishida wasn't there? Or was there but a Gillian was too much for him?

The plan that once repulsed him never seemed so brilliant till that moment. He will do the next day while everyone is out of the house.

* * *

Ichigo spent the night tossing and turning, conjuring images of how Yuzu could have died or worse _hollowfied. _He makes his mind and started preparing that letter he would leave them to explain why things had to go this way.

The next day he feigned sickness and managed to stay home.

As the clock announced it is now 10 in the morning, Ichigo got out of the bed, sat on his desk and started to write the latter.

_**I am sorry I cannot protect you. Once I go to Soul Society I will be able to come back and protect you again, I promise.**_

_** Old man, take care of Yuzu and Karin while I am away.**_

_** Ichigo.**_

Ichigo doesn't feel the surgical blade's bite, in comparison to Zabimaru or Senbonzakura it is just a feather that tickles. He watches in fascinations as the blood seeps through his wounds to be washed away by the cold, running water.

An hour later, Kurosaki Ichigo stares at his body with morbid fascination then closes his eyes in relief.

* * *

Three hours later Isshin comes home to check on his sick son. He notices the sound of running water and heads over to Ichigo's room to find the room clean as ever, the bed is made and a letter on the nightstand addressed to him and his children.

Yuzu and Karin didn't step a foot in the house that night, or the following nights. They couldn't bring themselves to, the remaining Kurosaki stayed with Urahara as Isshin was selling the house and his practice.

* * *

No one could believe that Ichigo would do such a thing, word got out in school that Ichigo killed himself over some petty reason or the other. His friends were tremendously sad yet understanding; deep down they wondered if they were to blame.

* * *

In Soul Society news travelled fast of how the boy who defended them was here. Occasionally a search party would be deployed to search for the boy with orange hair, each time the search would be fruitless.

Three years later Rukia happened to be in _Inuzuri _visiting some old childhood friends when she noticed it, the unique orange hair in the distance.

She ran to catch the man with the orange hair, calling his name in delighted surprise. She finally caught up to him grabbing him from the shoulder and turning him towards her. It was him, it really is Ichigo. Just as she was about to hug him and berate him he interrupted her and bringing tears to her eyes as he walked away.

"_Do I know you?_" He said.


End file.
